She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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