My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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