Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
