Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
