god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
