i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
