May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
