i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
