Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
