A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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