remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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