Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
