Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drake has all the answers
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize