The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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