My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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