This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
