I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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