Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
