Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
