I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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