I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
