Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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