My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
