Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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