Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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