you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
