Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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