Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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