I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
