I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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