God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
