I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
