I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
