At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
