Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
