peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
