Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
