We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
