True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
