I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
