I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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