Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
