He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
