Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
