and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
