How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
