Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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