Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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