I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
