You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
