I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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