I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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