I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
