had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Randomize
