Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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