Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
