mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
