So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
