you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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